I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
