I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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