I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
