ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
