____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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