I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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