I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
