I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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