My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
