I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
