By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
