Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
