genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
