Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
