My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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