There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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