I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize