when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need a beard to bite.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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