if i died would you start the facebook group?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
