I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize