just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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