Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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