just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
