xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
