Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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