Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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