someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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