I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
