Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize