i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
