Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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