he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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