i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just made my gag reflex go away.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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