giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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