Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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