All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
