i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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