I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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