Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you didnt know i had herpes?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
