Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it's like iHOP with fire
Church boner. Awkwardddd
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize