Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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