Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
