If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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