remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we're making bets on your personal life
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
