What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize