Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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