T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
