Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
