My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
