im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
