Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
