I cut my penus on the lid.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
