hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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