I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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