So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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