I must be too annoying 4 u.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
