Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm like, not good at living.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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