I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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