I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
