he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she told me i tasted like america
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Randomize
