Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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